I wanna fight (but I can't contend)
by bloodybellarke
Summary: When Clarke comes back to camp in season 3 she's not ready for Bellamy's reaction to her leaving.


**A/N: Basically my hope for season 3 reunion. I just realy want Bellamy to understand Clarke and why she left in the way the have always understood each other. Also this is my first fanfic for The 100 and only my second fanfic ever so please let me know what you think! Title from Can't Pretend by Tom Odell (played in Earth Skills in case you were wondering).**

Since being back, Clarke had dealt with every kind of reaction. Jasper couldn't look at her let alone speak to her, Octavia mostly glared and made snide comments about "not _being_ here", Raven just hugged her and told her she was a dumbass ("We could have _helped you,_ you idiot."), But Bellamy's reaction was the worst. She had been ready for anything from him. Ready for him to never speak to her again, or yell and scream for leaving, she even considered the possibility of Octavia beating her up for him, but what she was absolutely not ready for and what she could absolutely not handle, was for everything to be… _normal_. He acted like nothing had changed, like she hadn't killed a mountain full of people and then _left_ him and that was worse than any of the scenarios she had imagined.

They were sitting in his tent after a council meeting that she was only allowed to be at because Bellamy had insisted as he rambled on about the new camp renovations while poring over the designs on his desk. Clarke was supposed to be listening and helping but she just sat on his bed staring at a scar behind his ear. It was a new scar, not a particularly bad one but she didn't know how he got it. Because she wasn't here. Because she left. And she was so _angry_ with herself. She knows she needed to leave but she also knows it was _weak_ and she can't stand this anymore. Can't stand Bellamy just letting her get away with abandoning all of them abandoning _him._

He's still talking about the camp, she thinks she might hear the word greenhouse when he scratches the scar behind his ear and it finally becomes too fucking much.

"Shut up about the fucking renovations!" She screams jumping off his bed, "Shut up about the guard shifts and the hunting parties! Just stop acting like nothing's changed!"

Clarke's breathing hard and somehow during her rant she's ended up right in his face. His infuriatingly calm face.

"Well of course things have changed Clarke. We're working with the council, and Raven has _cars_ to work with. Actual cars Clarke. And we're technically living in a "peace-time" no matter how little I trust that it's going to hold. Things are different, but that doesn't mean we stop leading our people."

Clarke seems to deflate a bit as he talks sighing as she says, "But that's just it Bellamy. I _did_ stop leading our people. I left, for almost a month. I abandoned everyone, my mom, our people… _you._ We were partners. In everything, even the mountain and I left and now I'm back and half the camp thinks I'm some terrible person Octavia and Jasper included, and the rest of camp looks at me like I'm going to break, but the worst is you. You act like you aren't angry I left, like I didn't ruin everything we had built by not walking through that gate."

"Clarke," Bellamy says softly reaching for her hands, "It's because I'm not angry-"

"Well you should be!" Yanking her hands away from Bellamy and taking a step back towards the bed as her eyes welled up, "you should want to scream at me, or ignore me, or-" "Clarke," Bellamy cuts her off closing the space she had made between them, "If you need someone to yell at you or hate you, I'm not your guy. I told you at the gate and I'll tell you as many times as it takes you to hear it. I forgive you. You're forgiven." His voice that had started off loud turned soft and pleading reminding Clarke of when he said the same thing all those weeks ago.

Covering her face with her hands Clarke slumped onto the edge of his bed. When she looked up at him face wet and hands trembling she let out the softest, "Why?" It was barely a whisper but he heard it all the same. Taking the space next to her and looking down at his fidgeting hands Bellamy admitted, "Because back at the dropship you convinced me to stay. I was going to run for far more selfish reasons than you, and you're the only reason I stayed."

When he reaches for her hand it's to give himself confidence not to comfort her. She's watching him, waiting for him to continue and when Bellamy finally meets her eyes, it all comes tumbling out.

"I was going to abandon everyone Clarke. _My sister._ And you told me I wasn't a monster, you forgave me, and told me you needed me so I stayed. When we were standing at the gate I knew that if I said those same things, you would stay. I knew that if I told you the truth, told you how much I needed you-fuck still need you- you would have walked through the gates and stayed. But I also knew why you needed to leave. The blood on your hands, the blood on our hands, it's never going to go away and I needed to be with my sister and Monty and our people, to remind myself that I did it for them. You needed to not have to look at them and remember. You needed them to not feel what you felt after Finn shot up a village in your name and I _got_ that so I couldn't say the words to make you stay. But I'm going to say it now," he dropped his gaze to their entwined hands giving hers a gentle squeeze before, "I need you Clarke. I can do this without you just like you could have down it without me but I don't want to. Having you in that council meeting today is the first time I haven't wanted to throw up during one of those. Seeing you across camp every morning when I'm finishing with a guard shift, it makes me breathe easier. I need you Clarke, but I can't be mad at you for leaving because I know why you did it and if I wanted you to stay badly enough, I knew what to say, I just…"

When he finally dragged his eyes back to her face she was crying again but when he looked at her she threw her arms around him and pressed her face into his shoulder. This time he didn't hesitate in hugging her back.

When they finally pulled apart Clarke didn't know what else to say other than a soft, "Thanks Bell."

"Anytime, princess. That's kind of been our thing ever since unity day hasn't it? We get each other," Bellamy responded in a light tone bumping her with his shoulder and walking back to the forgotten blueprints.

Clarke knew it was an attempt to lighten the mood and it had, but she still answered with a sincere, "Yeah. We do." She stood and walked over to look at the designs Monty had drawn up. "Everything I said the day we got the guns still holds true by the way," Clarke said as she fixed something on the greenhouse design, "I need you Bellamy. It's why I came back. It only took me 10 days away to realize that you all are my home now and I don't want to leave again."

Bellamy scoffed and turned to watch her completely changing the blueprints, "10 days? Clarke you were gone for three weeks."

The corner of Clarke's mouth twitched up. "Well yeah, it took another week and a half to figure out how to leave Polis without pissing off any of the heda's that were less fond of me or you know _too_ fond of me."

Bellamy choked and grabbed her shoulder, "Clarke please tell me that you didn't make out with another fucking grounder commander."

Clarke barked out a laugh and turned on Bellamy, "Nope but I might be asked to return to Polis as an ambassador for the Sky People in a few months."

"As long as I'm coming with you and you're come back," Bellamy responded with a smirk turning back to finally figure out where the fuck to put a greenhouse inside the camp's gates.


End file.
